… but for me, I never thought I would ever need it.

Until one day I found myself saying to my husband in exasperation: “I don’t feel attracted to you anymore.”

Ouch.

Only 3 years into our marriage, and I was already feeling this way? I almost couldn’t believe it. I knew this wasn’t the person I married - when I chose to marry Hunter, I chose him because of our deep connection. Yet for some reason, I felt this way. And I wasn’t talking about a physical attraction - it was purely relational.

I didn’t feel connected anymore. Instead, I felt isolated and ignored. I felt forgotten.

Emotionally, I was alone. And it hurt.

Isn’t that what relationships are made of? Not only physical connection but emotional, relational connection. The ability to rely on each other, have a “safe haven” of security, comfort, belonging, and value. To know we are loved and depended on just as much as we love and depend on our partner. Healthy relationships are made of emotional connection. And somehow, my husband and I had misplaced ours.

I was just a year into my counseling program and was being changed from the inside-out. Everything I was learning was teaching me language and tools to identify what I was feeling and to understand the why behind what I was feeling. I no longer felt subject to frantic responses to my emotions and began recognize my emotions as cues to deeper needs, needs which were good and important.

I am wired to depend on my partner. I am wired to live in relational connection.

The same was true for my husband. He needed me just as much as I needed him, and our disconnect was felt by him, too. We both felt the loss and after this moment, we both began desperately fighting to find it again.

Although I had learned so much about emotional awareness, our marriage did not change until we were able to both understand the important place our emotions had in our relationship. Although emotions can be so confusing, we found how they are necessary cues showing us that we need each other, we need to not feel alone, and our emotions are natural responses when we feel isolated, forgotten, rejected, or abandoned.

Emotions became the tune of our marital dance, and we began to listen to their rhythm instead of moving off beat.

Through our journey, we were able to heal from wounds we didn’t even know existed - places where our relationship stopped short, unable to connect on an intimate, vulnerable level. We were able to understand each other in profoundly deep ways and learned about ourselves and what we need for safety. Together, we built a safe haven between us - a relational connection built on connectedness and dependence.

Our marriage has grown from a place of isolation and disconnection to a thriving, joyful connection.

And it’s because of this I believe so fully in the work I am doing and long to share this type of healing with others.

- Gabby

“Safe Haven” and “Emotions as Our Relational Tune” are phrases inspired by “Listening to the Music”, an article by Susan Johnson, Ed. D.